As an acupuncturist and Chinese medicine practitioner, I work with a lot of fertility and recurrent miscarriage patients in my practice. One of the important conversations that takes place when patients undergo sessions with me is regarding the emotional support that they have access to. Sometimes that means feeling like your partner, family members or friends are there to support you. Sometimes that means having a professional to hand who has the right tools and expertise to be able to guide you through the myriad of emotions, thoughts and confusion that can come with baby loss and grief.

I’ve been fortunate to work alongside highly skilled counsellors and psychotherapists with many of my patients and for a range of health conditions, but for those experiencing baby loss and infertility, going to specially trained professionals like Lucy from White Candle Counselling can make a huge difference.

Lucy Sumner is a fully qualified MBACP integrative counsellor from Warrington specialising in miscarriage, baby loss and anxiety and in today’s blogpost, I’ve invited her to speak about what she does and how she works.

To those of us who are new to counselling, can you give us an idea of what it is?

Counselling (or therapy as some call it) is a safe and confidential space for you to talk to a trained professional about your issues and problems. A counsellor will help you explore your thoughts, feelings and behaviours so you can develop a better understanding of yourself and of others. I won’t give you my opinion, or advice, I listen, and guide you.  I will help you to find your own solutions – whether you decide to make changes in your life or find ways of coping with your problems. I have clients come to me about lots of different issues but I specialise in miscarriage, baby loss, and infertility. 

We talked about supporting patients going through IVF, those who have experienced baby loss, and for men. Why might counselling be especially helpful for these patients?

Baby loss, miscarriage, IVF and fertility struggles are some of the hardest things anyone can face and not many can understand the way you are feeling.  To go through these struggles is life changing and sometimes it’s easier to speak to someone outside of friends and family that understands what you are going through.  Counselling can help you navigate these feelings, offer you support at a critical time, such as when an IVF cycle has been unsuccessful, or working through pregnancy anxiety after loss or being pregnant for the first time after a pregnancy struggle.  You may find the weight of these struggles a little lighter once you have attended sessions.

Men struggle with fertility issues just like women, but find it harder to express their feelings.  They might feel their only option is to put their head down and carry on. Talking to stranger about fertility can be really daunting for a man, I don’t give advice, but speaking to a professional might provide you with the space to be free of judgement, without opinion and the chance to truly open up.  Our sessions are totally confidential so please don’t suffer in silence. 

You speak quite openly on your website about your own experience with infertility and miscarriages and that this is what has motivated you to specialise in supporting others having similar experiences. What do you think patients need to know before booking in with you?

Some counsellors are taught not to self disclose, because these sessions are about you, the client.  That was how I was trained too.  You invest your time, money and deepest thoughts and emotions in counselling, it’s not for me to take that opportunity from you.  However, how far does not self disclosing go? If you asked me what I’m up to at the weekend, do I dodge the question or say “we’re here to talk about you”…..makes things really awkward doesn’t it? Might put you off being able to open up.  So for me, I find a balance is needed. With that in mind I feel it would be dishonest of me to not share with you the fact that I have gone through infertility, multiple miscarriages and baby loss. I’ve been very lucky to have a successful pregnancy.  Not everyone is so lucky.  I’ve shared this because if you’ve been through the pain of miscarriage, baby loss, and infertility, you might struggle to talk to someone who has come out the other side.  I’ve not told you this because I would actively start talking about myself and my child, I would only mention it if you asked if I had children, and that would be all I would say.  I know it is hard for some clients to hear.  So, my intention in telling you this is because I want you to be able to make an informed decision about if I would be the right counsellor for you upfront before we start sessions. Infertility/miscarriage and everything around that can make you feel really conflicted, making you think things you have never thought before.  If I’m not the counsellor for you, I’d completely understand. If I am the right counsellor for you, then please feel free to get in touch. 

I understand there are quite a lot of different types of approaches in counselling. Can you tell us about how you work?

I’m an integrative counsellor working with individuals, which means I use a blend of different therapies and we will work together to find the best one for you.  I am trained in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy – looks at thoughts and feelings, can be goal orientated), person centred therapy (talking therapy) and psychodynamic therapy (looking at your past and your patterns of behaviour).  With patients presenting with fertility, miscarriage and baby loss issues, I find person centred therapy is the most effective.

How do patients see you and how can they book in with you?

I provide a free 15 minute consultation call over the phone to find out what you are bringing to counselling, what to expect in counselling and to see if I would be the right fit for you.  If you would like to arrange a consultation call there are various ways to contact me. 

Please feel free to email me on lucy@whitecandlecounselling.co.uk, send me a text message or call me on 07497 839495 (please leave me a message if I’m in sessions), send me a message via my facebook page White Candle Counselling or send me a message via my contact page on my website.

Once we have had a consultation call and you feel happy to proceed with counselling, we can arrange a mutually convenient day and time for your appointments.  I work online by teams (no account needed) or by phone.

And finally, some kind words that previous patients have left for Lucy…

‘Lucy’s sessions provided a supportive and non-judgemental space to talk through what was on my mind, because I really felt like Lucy listened to what I was saying. Our conversations helped me to look at different situations with a new perspective, which was so helpful. Thank you for all of your support!’ BP

‘I felt Lucy listened to what I had to say with compassion and empathy. I also felt she had some good points to make to me on what was being discussed in the counselling sessions which I then reflected upon. I didn’t feel I was being judged, and I also felt comfortable talking about my issues to her.’ B

Thanks to Lucy for speaking with me and for sharing all this information with us, it’s great being able to refer to a specialist in this area. Counselling and talking therapy can be a huge source of support during what can be a difficult and confusing time for patients and those around them. If this is you, don’t suffer in silence and please reach out. You are definitely not alone.

For other sources of support that might help you or someone you know who’s experienced miscarriage and baby loss, more help is available from these websites:

4Louis - Supporting families through miscarriage, stillbirth and child loss.

The Miscarriage Association - Miscarriage: The knowledge to help.

Sands - Saving babies’ lives. Supporting bereaved families.

Tommy’s - Together. For every baby.

Saying Goodbye - Support for miscarriage and baby and infant loss.

Petals Charity - The baby loss counselling charity.

If there’s another charity or website that you’d like to suggest to add to this list, please do get in touch. Together, let’s help other women, men and children going through grief and loss.